(Can I call you “The”? We’ve never met in person…)
I’m writing to you about your recent ‘Letters to the Editor’ section. I know, I know, I’m not actually sending it to you, but it seems you’ll likely get it anyway even if it’s on a tiny blog with a small circulation originally written by someone in a different province or even a different country! (I have faith in your journalistic abilities.) Maybe if we’re both lucky someone will email it to you and pretend it’s actually their opinion so I’ll never have to worry about defending myself on twitter and you won’t have to go through all the difficulty of figuring out if it’s ever been published anywhere else. (Hint between pros: I often use this great site to see if anyone has ever thought of the same joke about farts I’m thinking about writing.) If you do decide to run this, that’ll be great! And, don’t worry, you can simply say “we have no responsibility over what other people write in to say” even though it is a letter addressed to you, specifically your editors. And then, ostensibly, you, Pam Pardy-Ghent, or you, Sarah Sheppard, have to decide to publish it after someone checks it over for typos and edits it for length. (Although, clearly, the staff member who edited it for length might want to seek new employment as it seems they just left it in wholesale).
I’m writing because I love mysteries and puzzles and yet, try as I might, I cannot figure out why you would have chosen to run this piece. It is a great mystery and I’m glad that you have added this new puzzle section to your already robust publication. So, then, here are my guesses as to why you ran this piece. I’m assuming you are taking entries and I hope to hear from you about the great prize I’m going to win for guessing correctly.
1. You didn’t read it.
I imagine this like a scene from an Aaron Sorkin television show. You, Pam and Sarah, are exhausted. It’s been a week now and no one, NOT A SINGLE PERSON, has written a letter to the editor. You’re both drinking Old Sam, neat. A single desk light illuminates your solemn faces. “Well, what will we do?” Sarah asks. Pam grimaces, “We can’t run it blank. We can’t let them know that no one wants to write to us. There has to be someone out there with an opinion. An opinion they want to share with us, the editors. An opinion which we can then share with our readers. Our readers who don’t just want to read about teevee, dammnit! Our readers who want to read OPINIONS.” Pam drinks deeply from her glass. “Any and all opinions,” she whispers.
Suddenly, the computer screen lights up. It says, “You’ve got mail!” and the screensaver of Meg Ryan dissolves to show a long article – complete! “Why, there are whole sentences written in this email,” Sarah exclaims! Pam is already on the phone to the digital layout room. “Marty. We have it. I don’t care what it says, just know that we did it.” Sarah is already forwarding it.
You down your glasses and chuckle together. “Another day, Pam. Another day of beautiful, shoddy work.”
2. You agree with it.
I know this one is far-fetched, so I hope you’ll forgive me anything I say that might sound mean about you, personally. Remember, it’s a guess!
You are both out in the woods. Sarah is skinning a moose she just killed. Pam is trying to start a fire with the coals she has kept going since the last time lightning struck the woods. You are both clothed in mud and furs. “OOoogh, ugh, ugh!” Sarah says, making the motion for gay sex. “Ugh ugh gugh ugh,” Pam flaps her hands, a sign you’ve both agreed means amoral. “Oooga ugga booga boo” Sarah grunts – a means of saying “what about the completely heterosexual Kevin Kelly? You know, that adult heterosexual man who is currently on trial for internet luring a 14 year old girl? That guy who worked with us, here, in our editorial room?” Pam looks vaguely at the treetops while fondling her own butthole. Sarah nuzzles in close to her neck. “Oogh agh ogh ugh ook,” she coos. “You’re right. I was disappointed to find out Anderson Cooper would never be interested in my vagina, too. Let’s bring the hate.”
And then you both tear into that moose with your teeth, because why wouldn’t you. You are savage, wild, and full of the passion that hate brings.
3. You did it for the controversy, and ultimately the views.
I really hope this isn’t it, The. Because, really, this is the most cynical answer of all of them. People love to read and be entertained and, as much as they love sharing videos of kittens (it’s the most shared subject on the whole internet next to porn), they also love sharing things that outrage them. And let’s be clear on this – this letter is outrageous. But while you think you might have won the day in an increase in sales, this is a short-term boost. Sure, you might have found yourself a dyed-in-the-wool never-going-to-leave-you group of fan-shitting readers panting on the sidelines for the moment of glory when they can watch the corn they ate for supper spatter all over the windows of your offices.
But those readers will surely not make up for the group of “Oh, hey! I like tv and happen to know some folks who are gay because they make up 10% of the population” readers who, for sure, will never buy or advertise in your publication again. Leaving aside the intellectual dishonesty of ‘morally hating’ a group of consenting adults for loving one another in the privacy of their homes and wanting to deprive them of privileges enjoyed by the rest of the population, this is just bad business.
In closing, I would like to say that I will take the monetary value of the grand prize. Please make the cheque out to any pro-LGBTQ charity of your choice.
Gayest love and kisses,
Mikaela Dyke